A Letter to My Angel

20131109-123106.jpg

My dear mommy,

For 365 days I have longed to pick up the phone when I have needed your ear, your compassion and your push to make me strike back against those who continuously try to stifle me.

I have been unable to dial you up to make you laugh as I promise to arrive early enough to get us to your medical appointments with time to spare. I am still afflicted by that disease that causes me to leave the house without turning back for 10 things I just can’t leave home without. (I’m a work in progress ~ ha!)

The pain I feel is so intense and so real. I try not to listen to other do-gooders that mean well by offering advice about how my heart won’t hurt as much ‘in time’ ~ I smile but quietly tune them out. Folks have NO idea of how close we were! When you referred to ‘your girlz’ ~ you really meant that literally because, we three (me, you and Dereth) made one another whole. In us, we inspired one another to dream unthinkable dreams, and ultimately live them. (sidebar: as I promised you — I am now carefully researching PhD programs — taking the time to pursue an avenue of true interest and Dereth is also looking into a second Masters degree!!)

You and I shared private moments of physical hurt that we wholeheartedly attempted to comfort one another through. There are memories that I will forever cherish. People will never know how silly I was, or how I teased you all — just to illicit laughter or even frustration just to break the monotony of whatever challenge we may have faced at that moment.

In this past year, the changes within our family without your presence has been overwhelming, at times. Emotionally and psychologically, I believe that none of us expected the depths of anger and sorrow that we experienced, as we realized that you were not coming back this time. There have been bitter disputes and severed relationships. There have been changes in addresses and household structures. Some people, within the family — and outside of our family lines have exhibited their true selves — and it has hardened our hearts. There have been high times and extremely low times. But Dereth and I have honestly become more spiritual. I recently devoted myself to a new house of worship — and look forward to growing more in this experience. The desires I shared with you of heeding to God’s calling on my life will, this time not be deterred by lack of guidance, in the form of a worship leader. This time around, Ma — I am following the desires of my own heart and drawing on strength within DETREL!

Overall, I trust God’s decision to allow you to rest. Your body was so tormented — and if you could’ve hung with ‘us’ forever, you would have! You have been such a picture of great strength, exceptional beauty and definite straightforwardness — qualities I have grown to greatly admire.

I love you madly, still.
I miss you tremendously.
I will eternally live to make you look down on me with pride.

Forever your Angel #1

20131109-123228.jpg

Leave a Reply